I think it’s time for me to run away again. Last summer, I ran away to Vegas and it was so good just that feeling of leaving it all behind.
I hate that I can’t accept what I know to be the final answer.
All I can think about is how all of this is from your actions and your words.
I was the one who fought for this. I was the one showing you how much I cared for you. And all you can say is that there are reasons to which you must say no. And all I hear are excuses. Why do I keep asking you the same damn questions when I know you can’t even act on them. And doesn’t the saying hold true that actions speak louder than words, especially in this case?
Most whole-heartedly I want to tell you to get out of my life and that I hate you. I hate you for hurting me the most. I hate you for hurting me so terribly and in the worst ways. I hate you for not even having the courage to act on your feelings because of your “reasons”.
And most of all, you won’t know any of this because I don’t even think you care any more. I think you say all of these things like that you still love me and that I am your best friend because I am the one person that has been consistent and caring. Not because you actually do feel this way but because you feel obligated.
I know three things that can happen after I am ready to talk to you. One is that I will cut you out of my life. Two is I cut you out of my life until I’m ready to be friends. Three is that you will finally see what I have been trying to tell you this entire time.
But even then, even if I do manage to show you what I have been trying to show you, what then? Do I just let bygones be bygones and give myself to you again? I don’t know if I can do that. Not after everything. It hurts too much to know that we have acted like a couple for the past 6 months or so and you are repulsed at the idea of us getting back together.
Love is blind. How could I have kept asking you the same question and you giving me the same answer of no full knowing that this will never change? Now that I have finally laid down law, I’ve reflected on the amount of times you said no and I feel disgusted with myself for continuing on with my affections towards you after you’ve clearly said no.
I look at your status all the time. The one about me. I know how hurt you are but every time I look at it and get the urge to call you, I remember. This was your doing. You have made your bed and now you have to lay in it. I cannot give in this early because it will literally have defeated everything I am trying to show you.
I wonder if you are even thinking about me now. About how you hurt me or about how you still haven’t changed your mind. I think you are thinking of me or at least I like to think you’re thinking of me. I wonder if you’re still in pain or if you’re over me already.
The pictures on your Facebook, yeah the ones of you with a group and you’re the only one looking completely wasted. I saw that. But more importantly is that I saw the pain you were trying to run from. My biggest fear for you is that you will resort to alcohol every time something painful happens. It hurts me when you feel like you constantly need a drink to escape. I know you don’t believe that.
What is this heartache you’re talking about? Are you forgetting that you were the one that rejected me?? You were the one that ignored me after what I thought was the most amazing evening.
And then in our conversation, you flash those “reasons” over my head like it was a damn bat. You tell me that I am your best friend and that you recognize we have had a relationship filled with ups and downs. But that you feel like our relationship was more filled with downs than ups. Could it possibly be that you were substance abusing? That you were addicted to something and that completely altered your entire personality. That on our trip to the Bahamas for my 21st birthday, you were a complete asshole to my family and I because you hadn’t smoked in several days. And could it also be that we were 17 years old and that we were still in high school and not really sure of where we were going?
These “reasons” that I think you are holding over my head are walls. More walls. But the thing is, you can build your walls higher and higher. But just remember, you will be the only one inside.
I want to get away. I don’t want to feel these feelings anymore. I tried to remember what I did to deal with pain before I met you and then it hit me. I used to cut myself to release all of this pain. The strongest urges of urges are hitting me now but I won’t resort to that. Because I tried and did everything to win you back and show you that things will be alright. My effort was there and this problem, this problem we are in right now, is all your fault. I’ll admit that it was a little of mine but I hope you know every time you go to bed and wake in the morning that a vast majority of this is your fault.